I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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