Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
