You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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