your parents love me but you hate me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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