My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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