a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You are the jesus of drinking
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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