I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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