woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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