I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
