Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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