2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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