The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
i am craving dick and cupcakes
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
