He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
