My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
