I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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