This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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