community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
