I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
