Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Boobs speak an international language.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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