U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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