Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
