call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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