Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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