Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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