I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
