Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
