I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
