i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
