I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
