I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
