so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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