I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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