A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
