I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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