Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I could fuck to npr.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
