I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
