So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
