I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
