It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
