I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
