I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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