I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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