Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
