So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I forget how to act sober
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