I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
