The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
