You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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