she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
