Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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