Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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