I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
