i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
