If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
