Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
