Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
