your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
